Joy is there
The light ever present enveloping
Upholding the one loved.
Often hidden but at work none the less even if in secret.
Slowly bringing to light the fruit long in coming
Overcoming the darkness of fear
Depression
Failure
That often haunts those who seek the good
The conflict often wounding
Forcing the broken to choose to move forward
To trust
That Joy will win out in the end
No matter how bleak it seems.

Life is not dark
Though at times it seems so
Suffering and evil seemingly strong
Covering the world in its viselike grip,
Will one day end.
The light is slow in its work,
Patient,
Allowing life to takes it course
Until one by one we are called home
Into the light
Where the mystery answered in part continues to unfold,
To dive deeper into this love is our eternal joy,
Our calling
To always plunge deeper into the center we have never left.

Each day so much like one before it
Just little differences
That make some stand out,
Remembered,
Even pondered,
While the rest sink into forgetfulness,
Oblivion,
Never again to see the light.

Memories hide,
Forgotten,
Buried in the cave beneath thought,
With roots deep,
Alive,
Influencing in secret
That makes us a mystery to ourselves
In how we sometimes are.

Am I my past or am I my thoughts at this moment?
What will I be in the future?
Perhaps I am none of these.
Something simpler,
Deeper than thought,
Or past and future,
Greater than the present
Deeper than time?

Am I truly who I am only in the present?
This moment,
This thought or experience?
Is the present all I have to stand on?
God’s present is all time
Mine this instant the doorway
Where I truly connect
With the All.

The pain of the world,
Its sorrow,
Weighs heavily in all our hearts,
Some more in touch than others
With its depth.
Many hide from its sting
Becoming tough,
Cynical,
Angry,
Aloof,
Anything to keep empathy,
Compassion,
At bay,
That if allowed to grow
Will make the heart bleed,
Weep,
Moan for all their brothers and sisters,
Suffering with no one to help,
Or to be with.

Does God weep?
Being present to all,
No way to deflect
The agony
Of all the children created.
Since love embraces pain.
The price paid high beyond all measure.
To walk with,
Be one,
With those who struggle
Thru life’s long road,
Leading eventually to healing,
That only God’s love,
Severe,
Seemingly unkind,
Can accomplish.

It is love that gives life,
Any other road taken
Deadens the heart,
Reducing others to objects
To be used,
Then discarded,
Disposable,
Easily replaced,
The only price asked
Is the death of the soul,
Empty,
Artic,
In its loneliness.
Free from the burden of caring
Or feeling for others
Who are icons of Christ in the world.

He is like an Infant now
In his geriatric chair
Table up so he cannot fall,
If he tries to stand up on his own.
He does not know he cannot walk

He stills smiles when his name is called
Laughs at jokes
Loves music
Is present to those around
How much no one knows

He leans to his right
Almost over the arm rest
Nothing can be done to make him straight
When ask if he has pain
He responds he is comfortable

Eats only soft foods
Stating to have trouble taking meds
He swallows on good days
With hot oatmeal which he loves,
Soon he will not be able to do even that.

I caress his face
We talk in our own way
His eyes still shine with humor
And responds
When I say I love him and kiss him on his forehead.

He fights when we clean him
Does not know what we are doing
Takes two to do this tango
But it gets done
All happy when it is over.

He just sits
Quiet unless addressed
Sometimes restless
Most of the time not
Unless he is in bed

He will be missed
His presence here long
Seven years
Swiftly pasted
With a shorter future every day

We each for a short time
Shine our light on those around us
Some lights are brighter than others
Some more loving
He is one of those

Early years (2 years Old) put in foster home
Became hyper self aware (still am)
No one to depend on
Just myself
Hyper alert in a dark lonely place
This is abandonment
Something every child has to face at one time or another
Mine came sooner rather than later.
Had to be done
Rent problems
Parents came every weekend
I withheld my affection knowing they were leaving again.
Became self contained
Impersonal towards others
Unable to break this
As the years stacked up.

Even knowing my parents did not mean to abandon
Still as a 2 year old that was what it was
A lot of rage from that time
Not rational,
Powerful,
That inner fire
Can erupt at any time.
This is my path
Simply dealing with this issue
Not letting it consume me nor my life.
I am not a victim
That would be too easy
Leading downward.

In thinking of nature
I am fire
As a force
A volcano
Slumbering for the most part
With magna deep down
Hot
Wanting to express itself
Find relief
From the inner pressure.

My path not allowing this to control my life
Not making others victims of my anger
Seeking to not scapegoat anyone
Or if I do
To apologies
Own up to it
Then move on.

Saw a psychologist at 40
He asked me
Mark what can I do for you?
Doc I replied I am dying
I can feel it
My anger
My constant companion is destroying my body
I have trouble breathing
(Still do all these years later).
Am always angry
Though so far I have been able not to take it out on anyone.
I suppress it
Try to deal with it in a way that is not destructive to other
But perhaps I need help
It seems to be hurting me
I feel it now that I am older.
I am wearing out.
Loseing the battle
No matter how hard I try.
It was a struggle
I disassociated at lot
Frustrating for both me and the Psychologist
In the end he did help me to voice things that I already knew
Just needed to word it in front of somebody
Who could reflect it back for me.
This helped
Thought my anger is a constant companion.
At times I feel like
St Francis and Ghangis Kan
Are sitting across from each other
Unable to communicate.

At times it shows itself as raw power
Erupting from my deepest most hidden part of who I am
Or think I am.
It is painful
Tears my soul
Worse than physical pain
At times I wonder if I will ever be free of it.
Perhaps being fire means just that
Dealing with this inner power in a way that is life serving.
It is simply my path
That I must see to the end.

Each person walks this road
If not with rage and anger
Then it is something else.
An inner wound
Perhaps hidden
Seeking to be noticed
Dealt with
Healed.
To not deal with it
Face it
No matter what the road walked
Is to invite chaos into life
A slow death over many years.
To run from the problem
Is to only make it worse.


Letting go
Forgiving
Is the only way to break free
To allow the heart
To be a channel of God’s healing love
Not only for myself
But also for others.
Resentment and hatred
Are intimate,
Just as profound as love,
In the attachment
It has for the one hated or resented.
Not to forgive is to carry a heavy burden
To give power
Mostly unasked for
To the ones
Focused upon