Sufferings build up as life moves on
Others pain as well as our own
If despair is the fruit of this knowledge

All we can do is take care of our own
Those around us who can be helped
Acts of kindness for those we see

Empathy and love the healing balm
Is infinite in our hearts
If channels of God’s love we become

If not channels bitterness is the fruit
Others become a burden
If we think only we can help and none else

God with us means just that
God is one with our inner most being
Experiencing what we experience

We suffer one at a time
One moment at a time
Finite in its duration

God feels all suffering
Throughout time
Nothing lost in His loving gaze

God is other,
Unknown except in our love
Love is the image that we are made in

The pain of God’s love
Leads to compassion not bitterness
To empathy not anger and regret

Answers are easy
To live the mystery most difficult
The greatest act of faith

Life is hard
Life is unfair
Embrace it in God’s love and joy

Despair benefits no one
Faith and love
Is open to all

Understanding comes only in abandonment
The mystery deep
But understood only in love

Love is stronger than death
Deeper than our pain
It swallows our despair

The fiery orb
alive with explosions vast,
flames leaping miles into space,
deadly in its heat,
yet for us warmth,
life,
growth.....
our only defense
against the cold death,
that in the end
no matter how far away,
awaits our only home

We had vegetarian pizza last night, one had olives and cheese, the other an assortment of items, pineapple being one of them. I guess I like pineapple, but it is one of those foods, like ice cream, that I like but would not walk across the street for…….however…….since it was on pizza I dug in anyway. Pizzas, pizza, pizza, love it almost as much as sushi. I also love it, much to the disgust of some of my friends, cold the next morning with lots of hot very sweet tea to accompany it; what a treat!

I also love dill pickles with cheddar cheese, well with any kind of cheese actually. When I was in my early teens, I and my brothers used to baby sit. Having so many younger siblings made us good at taking care of little ones, why I even washed out diapers (cloth ones were used during the dark ages) in the toilet, which was a highly desired skill. Well I was at the Clark’s house, one of my favorite places to baby sit, they had lots of soda, comics (something I was addicted to at that young age), and three children that were actually fun to take care of. One night as I was looking thru the fridge, I noticed a large wedge of cheddar cheese, and some Velveeta also, and next to it was a large jar of Kosher Pickles (!), well I made short order of em, down they went. The next day the Clark’s called me up and asked if I ate all the cheese and pickles, and I said yes, sorry about that, but it was one of my favorite food groups, Mrs Clark said “ok” laughed and hung up. So I thought, well they will not have me back, and forgot all about it. They called the next weekend and asked me to stay with their children for the three days, since they had to go to some kind of conference. So I said ok, good money, at least for some one as young as me. I arrived they filled me in, and the last thing they did was walk me to the fridge and showed me a special section they put aside for me. Yep, lots of cheddar, Velveeta, and other cheeses with two jars of Kosher Dill’s just waiting for me to feast upon. Mrs Clark then started laughing, and could not stop, and finally after she got her breathe told me that when she is pregnant she craved cheese and dill’s. Well I assured her that I was not pregnant, and that caused her to laugh some more. I figured I best not tell her about how much I like fried chicken dipped in chocolate. Hey I just love the juxtaposition of flavors that is all, besides lots of people like foods like that.

Now if the Clark’s were great to work with, others were jobs from hell. I remember one night being called to see if would sit for some new clients. I knew them, so said ok, be glad to. When I arrived I first noticed that the house was bare, no TV (!), just one chair and a couch in the living room, and to top it of when I left and went to the fridge, there was only bread and ice water in it! Well I knew that some jobs were better than others, so got my book, something I always took with me just in case, and started reading. A little latter I played some cards with the boy, nice kid, wondered for second if he was really related to the employers from hell. About 10 PM after I put the boy to bed, we played “go fish”, and he won, never was good at cards, but he was only 5 years old! Well I was reading, and felt something crawling inside my shirt, so after a little dance around the room, it dropped out, a big palmetto bug, a juicy black one. Now me and those critters don’t get along, and in Panama if not kept under control could take over a house; you got it, they did not control them and were over run…… why was I not surprised. I looked around and the walls were crawling with them, many were on the floor. I guess after we stopped playing cards, and I was reading, things got quiet enough for them to come out. So with full intent of the will, and I guess a way to strike back at my employers from the dark side; I started too calmly, with wrapped news paper in hand, to start whacking these interlopers. Whack, whack, whackity whack till about 2 AM, I made my rounds. Then I calmly got a broom and swept them up into a nice neat pile in the middle of the room. Soon after that ‘they’ came home. When they came in the front door, they stopped and saw this two foot pile of palmettos in their path. I acted as if nothing was there, gave them a report sans the bugs, got paid and left. For some reason they never called me back. Rejection is so hard to take heh heh heh.

One thing, in Panama at least in the very early 50's, insect control in the home was very important, if not taken seriously you really got overun big time.


I have some more experiences with baby sitting and may write about them a little later.

The waterfall roared
Like the challenge of a lion;
The mist caressed my skin,
Embracing me with its coolness…..
The air invigorating
Filled with energy,
Making me feel young, and alive,
Wanting to simply yell,
To laugh like a child,
Doing cartwheels for the fun of it.
Ahhhh the child like spirit…..
Spontaneous in its simplicity
Ready to appear unselfconscious
At the beauty that life affords us.
A gift handed us…..
All we need do
Is see
Accept
And embrace the moment.

Yesterday, a friend called me on my cell phone asking me if I could see her for a few minutes, she seemed distressed, so I said that I could see her in 30 minutes in one of our counseling rooms. Her name is Dot (a nickname), and I have been friends with her for about 4 years now, and over that time I have come to respect her very much. She is a very intelligent women, two years younger than me, a grandmother, and also a good writer. She is a very gentle woman, very feminine in the best sense of the word, very easy to talk too and also a good listener. Women to that for me, when with them I seem able to talk on a deeper level, with men it is mostly something we do together, go out, sports etc., but real talking is something hard for me to do. Perhaps Carl Jung is right, women reflect back to us our souls, men on the other hand reflect back our “bull shit”…..joking I think.

So I got over to see her, and I saw at once that she was very upset about something, or perhaps afraid. So we went into one of the counseling rooms and she filled me in on what was bothering her. She has asthma, and it seems to be getting worse, which is a major cause of concern for her. It seems that the day before she had a very bad day, with an asthma attack that forced her to call 911, luckily the fire department got there within 5 minutes and was able to give her immediate help; soon after the ambulance came and rushed her to a nearby hospital. She was lucky that she was able to go home that night. Last time she had an attack she was in the hospital for three days, which is not very pleasant, she hates them.

It is her fear, being alone, with no one near when an attack comes. She felt embarrassed about talking to me about it, calling herself a wimp, but she could not help it. As we talked I shared with her that I also have lung problems, and while my lungs are in better shape than hers, I know what it is like to feel like you can’t get enough air into your lungs. When that happens a cycle of anxiety and fear start which makes the condition worse, and it continues to spiral. For me, since I know that my lungs are not going to shut down, I can for the most part break the cycle and it does not get worse. With her it is a different manner, she has had some bad attacks, so her panic or fear is legitimate and she should be thankful that she has it. Otherwise she would not have called 911. While her emotional response makes the attack worse, even without this reaction it could still be life threatening for her.

Over the years she has told me some about her past, and let me say, that she is anything but a wimp. She has been thru some horrendous experiences; experiences that would have probably broken me, shattered my ego, but she came thru strong and intact, a very gentle kind person. No bitterness with her, just a very kind empathic nature that everyone loves. So I told her that she was not weak, to get over it, she did the right thing.

I made her promise that she would call me if she felt an attack coming one, and if need be I would drive her to the hospital; just use some common sense and don’t wait too long, since for her it could be life threatening. She is also going to get a couple of other people that she can call, that way one would most likely be available if she needed help. Her family lives a couple of hours away, so they are not much help in an extreme emergency.

I think as we get older, we all need more help, and I am glad that she is able to reach out, if not to me to someone else. Men tend not to reach out, I know that I still have trouble doing that, perhaps it is denial for me, but I can be really stoooopid (ibid) about it. Perhaps that is one reason that women live longer than men, they just use more common sense in listening to what their bodies tell them. Over the years I have learned to ignore pain, good most of the time, but there could be a time when it would be very bad, hopefully when the time comes I will know the difference……….yeah stoooopid!!!